Kristina’s funny shit


What’s new with me? I moved recently, but I’d rather talk about politics or religion…

Okay really, I don’t mind saying I love almost everything about my new house, with the exception of the well water.

It tastes like it’s been spring fed…into a tire swing, where it’s been fermenting all summer long.

It gets a tongue-curdling zhuzh from notes of mossy oak and pollywog poop.

Stealing gasoline is probably sweeter.


I was thinking…
and had to take 3 Tylenol.

Once they kicked in, I tried again.

That’s why the smoke detector’s going off.


I remember the last time I had a Twizzler…it was like eating a dodge ball.

On the other hand, I adore Red Vines. How do they make corn syrup and red dye number 142 & a 1/2 taste so good?


I love making up new words.

Fark yeah.

Fark.

A mash-up of fart and fork, somewhat less lively than the other one we all know and love.

How do we use it in a sentence? Here’s some context.

It’s great to see the wonderful things people are doing during the Covid pandemic. The generosity of time, spirit, and resources.

Tireless efforts by emergency and essential personnel.

Donations of food, teachers hangin’ in there, workers covering staff shortages, volunteers giving vaccines.

My biggest successes during social quarantine?

Today I ordered my wine online, used a paper towel in place of TP, and passed on a second bowl of ice cream after lunch.

I’m on-farking-fire.


An older acquaintance of mine was low on phone storage. She asked me “It must be all these texts taking up space, right?”

“Not really,” I said, “the videos and photos take up waaay more data.”

She was not havin’ it. “No, no, no, I’ve got to delete a bunch of texts. Show me how to do that.”

I took her phone, opened the USB plug, and shook it out over the sink.

Took a look up it’s backside, then shook it some more.

“If that doesn’t make enough room, try a vacuum with the crevice attachment.”

Seems I aided and abetted a couple new scowl lines on her face that day.


I rarely get sick, but when I do I say it feels like I’ve been poisoned.

Like, if 4 rat pellets could kill you, someone melted 2 in my soup.