Going south with Kristina


I used to sleep like a murder victim.

Then I got old.

Now I sleep like an alligator having electro-shock therapy.

SO

much

thrashing


Are you over 45 and fighting the aging process?

Here’s a tip. Never let your friends see you in broad daylight.

If you are seeing them, for a week in advance you’ll want to double up on the lotions, potions and witches’ brews.

Here are a few more simple steps for skincare after 50:

Sand-buff-polish,

primer-paint-poly.

In that exact order.

Seal the deal with a devil’s handshake. She and I are close; if you’re interested, she says I’m free to pass on her deets.


I had some sun spots lazered recently.

That’s right, they’re not age spots ‘cause it’s not the 70’s, and they’re not liver spots ‘cause it’s not the 50’s.

It’s the 21st century so I’ve been kissed by the sun.

More like molested.

Held down and treated to cigarette burns.

Luckily the little track marks left by the laser weren’t too obvious, but at the beach a friend saw them on my belly and she asked “What happened, what are those?”

I said I had termites.

“Doc said in 6 months they’ll bore through to my chewy center if I don’t get a prescription for DEET.”